Z & L,
As you prepare for your weekend in Palm Springs, let me prepare you for what's to come. I know you've both shared a bed with Baleen before. You know that her legs wander like a migrant worker in a good economy. Those were the salad days.
She's a whole lot bigger now. What little room you once had is even littler. If she's got 2/3rds of the bed when you both lie down, and you can't sleep at 8.30pm so you step outside to read, there won't be any bed when you come back. Prepare to stand over her as your eyes adjust to the darkness, doing geometry in your head like a Minnesota pool shark, and ask yourself, which is the greater evil: waking and moving a pregnant lady or sleeping on the floor? The more you think about it now, the less you'll think about it am 3am.
Some primates (some percentage of the 10% of mammals where the male is involved in child rearing) gain twenty pounds of their body weight before their mate's give birth. It's the Animal Kingdom's way of preparing them to focus their energy not on their own sustenance, but that of their offspring's. I hope you have not gained 20% of your body weight for this weekend. That is above the call of duty. What I do hope is that you've slept thru the last few nights. Because you won't tonight. Or tomorrow. Be prepared for entirely chipper conversations at 1am and again at 4am. And if she's onto you, that she knows your answers reveal your true intentions of answering the question with the least amount of brainpower while trying to fall back asleep, be prepared for a punch in the gut.
Remember, this is only what I'm preparing you for. Those others, the unmentionables that nobody tells you about until they happen, you'll soon find out for yourselves.
Lots of love,
The cause of all your problems to come
As you prepare for your weekend in Palm Springs, let me prepare you for what's to come. I know you've both shared a bed with Baleen before. You know that her legs wander like a migrant worker in a good economy. Those were the salad days.
She's a whole lot bigger now. What little room you once had is even littler. If she's got 2/3rds of the bed when you both lie down, and you can't sleep at 8.30pm so you step outside to read, there won't be any bed when you come back. Prepare to stand over her as your eyes adjust to the darkness, doing geometry in your head like a Minnesota pool shark, and ask yourself, which is the greater evil: waking and moving a pregnant lady or sleeping on the floor? The more you think about it now, the less you'll think about it am 3am.
Some primates (some percentage of the 10% of mammals where the male is involved in child rearing) gain twenty pounds of their body weight before their mate's give birth. It's the Animal Kingdom's way of preparing them to focus their energy not on their own sustenance, but that of their offspring's. I hope you have not gained 20% of your body weight for this weekend. That is above the call of duty. What I do hope is that you've slept thru the last few nights. Because you won't tonight. Or tomorrow. Be prepared for entirely chipper conversations at 1am and again at 4am. And if she's onto you, that she knows your answers reveal your true intentions of answering the question with the least amount of brainpower while trying to fall back asleep, be prepared for a punch in the gut.
Remember, this is only what I'm preparing you for. Those others, the unmentionables that nobody tells you about until they happen, you'll soon find out for yourselves.
Lots of love,
The cause of all your problems to come
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| Photo courtesy of L.G.M. |
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